Chelsea fans: Haha he's terrible, ooh a goal so what, ooh five goals so what, ooh te—[intake of breath], look, he's never consistent, this happens every season, one purple patch and then he'll ghost you for months, ha, ha hah, heh, ugh, urrgh, fuck it.
Chelsea players: [on phone to agent] Listen Juan, I don't care just call in the favours you've got man, get me in that room with Mikel. Me and Kai, we were always tight, always, he'll put in a word for me.